that Sarah Klem

I used to blog as the Devil. Then I was Tatiana. Now, I'm just me.

Dive into Oblivion

I ran into The One. I didn't just see him on a run or pass him on my bike. I wasn't drunk and accidentally said hello and then ran away when I realized what I did. I saw him. He saw me. We exchanged hellos and I think we may have even shook hands.

And then he walked away or I walked away and suddenly that terrible Third Eye Blind song started playing in my head as I realized this is what life is like now that The One and I don't really know each other anymore.

I mean, life has been like this, but when he started to introduce himself before he recognized me, it really hit home.

Later, as Third Eye Blind still played in my head, I got to the line, "Want to get myself back in again" and I shuddered.

Because that is the last thing I want.

Not so much the oblivion part. That was nice. But the part after, immediately after. When all the conversations and embraces and laughter is replaced by anger and icy looks.

I was so lost for so long, that to remember it now would embarrass me if I wasn't also in my early 20s and supposed to be a little confused about my place in the world.

Still, the oblivion that Charlize Theron's ex-boyfriend sings about left me more than a little crazy (even for a heartbroken 22-year old) and when I think back to that time it scares and amazes me that I came through as well adjusted as I did.

And, as I thought about how scary it would be to dive back into all of that I had my second mini panic attack of the day. Is it possible my desire to remain single stems from a fear of losing it like that again?

This was even more terrifying than having to walk over to The One and say hello.

Of course I have been in relationships since, but, my brain argued, have I ever really let my be vulnerable? Suddenly I could hear ex-boyfriends complaining about how hard I am to read and pleading with me to let them in.

Officially freaked out, I did what any modern single woman would do. I sat down to my computer and logged into Match.com.

It took about 6.7 seconds for reason to return. I'm not even sure the site had fully loaded when I remembered the time commitment it takes to date (especially online date). I don't have a single weekend free until 2014. Not to mention the half-finished blog entries that litter my desktop. And the novel, the pilot, the screenplay and my short stories I can't publish until after my parents pass. My travel plans with my girlfriends and family. My bed I hate sharing. My closet that I will simply never share. And what about how awesome it is to come home every night and have my apartment all to myself. Sure, I wouldn't have to share my space with the first guy who winked at me, isn't that supposed to be the end goal of dating. To meet someone I want to share the rest of my life with?

I closed Match.com and switched to Facebook instead. Fear might be one of the reasons I'm still single, but it isn't the number one reason. I don't think it is even in the top 100.

Also, one should never try to examine one's life after running into your ex and then consuming copious amounts of wine.

What? I said I wasn't drunk when I bumped into him. I didn't say anything about not drinking after we parted ways.