that Sarah Klem

I used to blog as the Devil. Then I was Tatiana. Now, I'm just me.

My 2014 Holiday Newsletter

Dear Friends, Family and the 18 Strangers Who Read this Blog,*

What a year, amirite? I mean I got a new house, hip and dog – in that order – before we even hit the half-way point. Maybe my first resolution for 2015 should be to slow things down – As if.

So, let’s just get this out of the way – since I know it is the first thing you will ask – yes, I’m still single. No, I’m not too picky. Nor am I completely covered in scales underneath my clothing. Also, I still can’t hear my clock ticking (except when I am in my kitchen, but I’m pretty sure that is my kitchen clock and not some internal clock reminding me I only have a limited time left to find Mr. Right and make lots of beautiful babies with him).

In March, I tried the Whole30 diet. I lost nearly 20 pounds, but I quickly regained it (and more) when I reintroduced processed carbohydrates to my mouth. Of course, it might not have all been the carbohydrates – I’m sure some of it is my new titanium hip.

Zuzu wasn't a fan of the last season of Arrested Development.

Zuzu wasn't a fan of the last season of Arrested Development.

While recuperating from hip surgery (and in an effort to save money – houses are expensive) I managed to binge watch a number of television shows including Game of Thrones, Six Feet Under, Sons of Anarchy, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development, the Newsroom, the Leftovers and VEEP. Please don’t take this as an opportunity to give me a list of shows I should watch. Rifka’s got that covered. It might be for the best that I don’t have a significant other in my life, since I need as much time as possible to catch up on all the television that has happened since I last had cable.

Now, in year’s past, I would detail for you different things I tried in the bedroom, what I liked, what I didn’t like, what made a mess that I could never get out of the sheets. This year I have been sharing my bed with a 50 pound pit bull. I use the term sharing loosely here, as her desire to sleep as close to me as possible often leaves me clinging to the edge of the bed. The good news is, if I ever do meet Mr. Right, there is plenty of room on the other side of Zuzu for him. 

In an effort to try to get something going in the bedroom besides redecorating, I tried Tinder. What a mistake that was. I was promised hundreds of guys just looking to hook up, what I got was one guy who just wanted to text. We did go on one date. He was funnier in text messages.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

For Halloween I dressed up as Gloria Steneim, though Marie’s boyfriend said I just looked like I dressed up as myself – I took it as a compliment.

I hosted Mom and Dad for the first Thanksgiving in my new place. They both were hesitant to accept the invitation at first. But, once I assured them I would make Turkey they were all in. Salty and her husband joined us later to watch the Eagles beat the Cowboys and Mom only asked Salty’s husband if he had any friends to fix me up with 16 times.  

This year I traveled to New York to help battle rare cancers, Key West, where I became the Captain, Orlando to train attorneys how to use social media, and Denver again, this time trying snowshoeing for the very first time.

Also this year, I made zero progress on my goals to learn to speak French, play tennis, and not remember every single detail of every single encounter I had with The One. So, it seems there is still room to improve myself in 2015.

Have a wonderful holiday season and don’t forget to hydrate.

Your friend, 


P.S. For those of you wondering/asking, its Christmas by Myself (again) this Year. Last year I woke up early, made myself pancakes and watched terrible made-for-TV Christmas movies while tweeting drunk on holiday cheer (and wine). I think I will make it a tradition and do the very same thing this year.

*Please read this post in the voice of that one annoying friend or family member who is always cheerful and with it and together and actually sends out a newsletter every year listing her incredible accomplishments and those of her incredible family and swears she isn’t medicated and that she can eat whatever she wants and not workout and even though you use her newsletter to pick up after your dog who pooped in your house again you love her (your friend, you are angry at your dog at the moment) all the same and know your life would be less without her in it.