As those of you who follow me on Twitter may know, this past holiday weekend, instead of binge watching bad, made-for-television holiday movies, I found myself wrapped up in Scandal. But once Olivia banged Fitz after finding out he was responsible for killing her mother (yes, we the viewers knew she was still alive, but she didn’t) my viewing went from binge watching to hate watching.
And I hate watched all the way to her getting on the plane with Jake.
Sadly, season four is no longer available OnDemand, so I only got to watch one episode. However, I will focus on this episode to explain why I hate this show so much.
In this episode, Olivia can’t get in touch with Jake so she calls her ex-boyfriend the president, and Abby, who is pissed at her. Olivia then hears from Cyrus that Jake is being questioned in connection with killing the president’s son and her Dad stops by and confirms this adding he also killed her friend Harrison. Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, Jake was refusing food until the president showed up. When he did, Jake assumed it meant the president was on his side, but he wasn’t. Jake refused to confess and instead goad the president into kicking the shit out of him.
Oh, and other stuff happened with their client.
Also, Mellie spent the episode in her bathrobe and Uggs with one hand around a bottle of booze and the other hand in a bag of chips. I love Mellie. This is exactly how I mourn. She is my second favorite person on this show. I wish the writers would create a spinoff staring Mellie as she runs for governor of California. Jake could be her chief of staff. When Jake wasn’t advising Mellie nor killing bad guys who threaten the (California) Republic he could be doing shirtless pull-ups and push-ups.
But back to why I hate this show: everyone on this show is a terrible person with the possible exception of Harrison, but since I’m under the impression he is dead, I stand by my earlier statement. They are all awful people who we would all hate in real life.
For example, Livvie, if we were besties, I would’ve deleted the president’s phone number from your phone in season two. But we aren’t. And never will be. And not just because you’re fictional.
Sadly, you still have his number and so you called him and actually expected him to tell you what happened to your current boyfriend.
Think about that Olivia? Most of us, when we are dating someone new, can rely on the fact that our ex-boyfriend won’t have the new guy tortured or killed. But not you. You have to call up your ex to see what he has done to your new flame.
What were you hoping to get out of this call? He was just going to release Jake? Because the only thing I saw happening, was Fitz hanging up on you, stopping by the hole at B613 to torment Jake some, before showing up at your place, demanding you let him in, and saying something awful to you right before kissing you. This is what always happens and if you put down that wine bottle, maybe you could remember why you two broke up the last several times.
But none of that occurs to your pretty little head and so when he refuses to help you, you do that open mouth shocked look that will never win you a Golden Globe so long as Claire Danes is ugly crying.
Next you call Cyrus. I can’t remember if he takes your call. Either way, Cyrus shows up later to tell you how Jake killed the president’s son.
I don’t think you believe him. This is good. Because Cyrus is bad.
Sure, Cyrus is upset his husband is dead. But, Cyrus told Jake to take care of the leak. And we all know that “take care of” means kill someone – of which, I think everyone on this show has now killed someone, with the possible exception of Liv and David. Cyrus also admitted he was ready to let a church full of mourners die to win the presidency. And if you think about it, if Cy had alerted the president earlier, everyone would’ve been evacuated when it exploded and Sally would’ve never been on television attending to the wounded. The president could’ve then gone on TV and explained that this threat was the reason for his recent absence, he would’ve won the election and his son would still be alive.
So, really, this is all Cy’s fault. Cyrus is an awful person.
And Liv calls him her best friend.
Gladiators, please tell me we aren’t supposed to want to be like Olivia. Dress like her: check. Be like her: no thank you.
Next, Liv calls Abby, who is really pissed off. I’m guessing it is because Liv left on that plane, which is hysterical since Olivia ruining her relationship didn’t piss her off, nor did she stop talking to Olivia when Olivia used her battered-spouse past against her to get what she wanted. In case you were wondering, this is why Livvie and I will never be besties. She is so much worse than the woman who ditches her friends for a guy; she’s the woman who steps all over her friends to get the asshole she is sleeping with something he wants.
So, then, Liv’s dad shows up. With a bottle of wine and a totally plausible reason for Jake killing the president’s son.
This she seems to buy.
How many ex-boyfriends have to get beaten up/survive assassination attempts before Olivia’s first call anytime anything happens to her boyfriend is her father? He had Edison beaten up. And he was responsible for the assassination attempt on Fitz. He already threw Jake in the hole once before, so why not frame him for the death of Harrison and little Jerry? All the motives Jake has for killing the president’s son Olivia’s father has too. Plus he got his old job back.
You could argue Olivia might not put this together because she is already a bottle deep, but so was I, and I managed just fine.
Speaking of Jake, forgetting for a second he broke the cardinal rule of bros (bros before hoes), and he likes to kill people — a lot, he might be the least terrible person on this show. And he looks good without his shirt on. Still, for B613 and a Navy captain, he isn’t very bright, is he? I’m actually having second thoughts about making him Mellie’s chief of staff. Maybe that job should go to Huck.
I mean, did he really think the president was going to believe him? I get it, he was hungry and that may have clouded his judgment, but next time Jake, buddy, wait for him to say he believes you before you take a bite of that bullshit sandwich. Also, you are being held at the Pentagon (not in the hole), did you really think that wasn’t on his order? I just hope you antagonized him into beating the crap out of you so they would have to take you to the hospital and then you can escape.
Here’s another question for you, Gladiators: Am I supposed to like Fitz? Am I supposed to be cheering for him and Olivia? Because I don’t. I don’t like him and every time he and Olivia get back together I pause my TV and pull up this scene from Ghost.
Fitz is an asshole who cheats on his wife, treats Olivia like shit — really he treats everyone like shit. That is when he isn’t moping around the White House about his hard, privilege life. I hate him. I cheered when he was in the hospital and then remembered people are still talking about the Jake-Olivia-Fitz love triangle and so he must’ve survived.
And then I watched that scene from Ghost again.
Oh, but have no fear, Gladiators, I will continue to tune in. My hope is that there are more Jake topless scenes and Edison comes back and proposes to Olivia for a third time, this time she accepts for real and they live happily ever after.
Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt, Liv.