Over the past few weeks, I have been watching a lot of horrible movies, mostly of the romantic comedy ilk. One thing I kept noticing is just how terrible some of the leading ladies behave. They are complete assholes and their boyfriends (and friends) don’t seem to mind and I can only assume this is because they are hot.
When I first recognized this pattern I thought I came up with the perfect resolution for 2015:
I want to be so hot no one will care that I’m a complete and total asshole.
The next morning, when I sobered up, I realized this is a pretty shitty resolution. First, I’m already hot (see below) and second, it's really just a resolution to be an even bigger asshole in 2015.
So, my first resolution will be to watch less bad television (including romantic comedies that give drunk me the impression that I should want to be a terrible person) and read more books. As you may have surmised from my Gone Girl post, I am more than a little behind on my reading. This was made worse when Sister’s Boyfriend gave me two books the last time I visited and another as a Christmas present. And because goals are better when you make them specific, this year I will read 15 books.
This number makes me sad when I think that the summer before third grade I read 20 books. But this is life. This is growing up. I can no longer spend three months, sitting by a pool, binge reading the Baby-Sitter’s Club series.
Another thing I wondered while watching rom-coms throughout the month of December was why does the best friend endure the asshole? I get why the dude stuck around (until he inevitably left her for the best friend): she’s hot and probably good at the sex. But if you’re not getting any of the sweet stuff, then why put up with a friend who treats you like crap? This brings me to my second resolution.
I will begin treating me like a friend. When my friends need help losing weight, I give them some great tips on eating right and working out, but when I’m standing in front of the refrigerator trying to decide between making myself something or just microwaving popcorn for dinner – popcorn wins every time. As does the snooze button in the morning. Unless I’m meeting a friend to workout – wouldn’t want to disappoint her. When I have friends over for dinner, they get plates and place mats and cloth napkins. Dining by myself – I won’t even put the popcorn in a bowl. If someone were talking shit about my friend, I would, well, okay I wouldn’t go so far as to beat that person up, but I would yell at them. Or at least defend my friend. And most likely start a rumor that said shit-talker has a VD or a small wang. Meanwhile, I talk shit about myself all the time. I’m a total asshole to myself and that stops in 2015.
You know what else stops in 2015: living a life that isn’t right now. I am so sick of living in the past or wishing for some future. You know who does this in the movies? The best friend. And yes, she gets the perfect life and the guy in the end, but this isn’t the movies. This is my life and the end is when I die and I don’t want to wait until I’m dead to be happy. I’m going to be happy right now. I am going to have more montages of me dancing around like a fool and taking French lessons and finally learning to play tennis and fewer of me trying on dozens of outfits every day just to dress in leggings and an over-sized sweater – again.
Because, you see, when you are for the future (or in the past), you sometimes buy clothes for the size you will be in that future, which is great for future Sarah. Future Sarah, if she does drop several sizes, will have a whole closet filled with stuff to wear. But today’s Sarah has exactly two pairs of jeans, a handful of sweaters, three dresses and zero pairs of pants that fit.