Tatiana Talks

Mind Eraser

So, Lana’s love life is going through the spin-cycle at the moment. And as we do whenever either of us has a crisis in our lives, we went to her stoop, armed with several bottles of wine.

After about two and half bottles of wine, we got to the crux of the problem -- Lana still loved her lost love and it seems he didn’t love her. Or at least he didn’t love her enough. She was hurting and wanted it all to go away. She remarked that if she could, she would erase the memory of her lost love, just like they do in the movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

Now, Lana and I disagree as to how this movie ends (she thinks it ends badly for Jim and Kate, whereas I think they are still together when it fades to black). Either way, I don’t think the movie is a proponent for mind-erasing. For one thing, there is that absolutely wonderful scene, when Jim Carey is in bed with Kate Winslet, telling her she is beautiful and kissing her face and it starts to be erased and he is crying inside his head that he wants to keep this one memory. He begs, “let me keep this one.”

How honest is that moment? No matter how shitty things are at the end, after awhile, you start to remember the good times; all the things that you will miss and, really, why it hurt so much when it ended.

Also, if you believe, like Lana does, that at the end of the movie, Jim and Kate are not together, then the lesson would seem to be that if we forget the past we are doomed to make the same mistakes again and again.

Because for some of us, the only way we learn is from our mistakes. And when it comes to relationships we are destined to make a lot of mistakes. But, like everything else in our lives, we take something away from each; each changes us in a way. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

Before Houdini I thought I was incapable of trusting men.

And if I was incapable of trust, how could I ever possibly love?

But I trusted Houdini. That is why it sucked so much when I got a text near midnight saying we weren’t going to make it. Yes, it was terrible. Lana was at ground zero, that night, in my backyard with a magnum of wine and a pack of ultra lights witnessing just how raw it was. I can't remember in exquisite detail the pain -- a miracle of the human condition. Still, even with my vague recollection of just how much it hurt that night, and for several nights after, I would never, in a million years, erase our time together.

If I did, I would still believe that I am the cold-hearted shrew everyone thinks I am.