Tatiana Talks

You Want Me in That Salon, You Need Me in That Salon

So, my mom has decided to fix me up with a co-worker.

My mother is rarely impulsive, usually only when diamonds or white zinfandel is involved. Considering she was at work I assume the former was at play, as in she was thinking about the three karats she would like to see on my ring finger some day.

And because I love my mom and there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do if she asked, I agreed to let this guy “facebook me.”

The next morning at breakfast my mother began filling me in on the details of my would-be suitor. I will spare you the itemized list of just how wrong this guy is for me and skip ahead to my favorite part. My mom added that he asked about me. Specifically he wanted to know if I was high maintenance. My mom told me that she responded that I was a pain in her a$$, but I wasn’t prissy, if that is what he meant. He clarified, wanting to know if I was the sort to work in the yard.

Umm, what yard?

Here’s the thing, where does normal maintenance end and HM begin? Seriously? Bare minimum I think a girl has got to wash and wear deodorant. I mean no one wants to make-out with someone that smells like an Italian hoagie. But, what if, during my shower I used a scented body wash? And then put on perfume? Have I crossed some invisible line that makes me too much trouble to date?

I can’t recall any guy ever saying he liked it when a girl showed up to dinner with dirty, chewed to the nub nails and uncombed hair, so we’ll add neat hair and nails to the list of okay. But, if in addition to keeping my nails clean I keep them polished and one length (pretty much), is that too much? And because my parents’ DNA combined to give me hair that needs a lot of work to look natural, I have to go to a salon every month or so and need special products that make it look this nice and shiny. Does all this work make me high maintenance? I don’t think I look like I’m high maintenance, but it takes a lot of work and products to make it so.

What about dressing well? Would guys really prefer us looking like we are fresh from the 80s or like we are currently with fashion, and dressing in retro 80s duds? Dr. Phil said guys want fashionable women, but when does fashionable end and HM begin?

And how does enjoying yard work qualify me as low maintenance? Because I know Martha Stewart likes working in her garden and somehow the LM label just doesn’t fit the domestic goddess.

At the end of the day, I don’t think most guys realize what they are asking for when they are asking for a low maintenance girl. No, guys we date don’t typically know our Louboutins from Louis Vuitton, but I have to believe on some subconscious level they appreciate the effort we make. Even if they can only muster the occasional, “You look really nice tonight.”