Tatiana Talks

Meet Brandi

I have a new upstairs neighbor that I’m going to call Brandi (mostly because the first time I met her she said her name and in my head I said, huh, she looks like a Brandi). I’m sure Brandi is a fine girl, but I won’t be serenading her this morning.

Brandi moved in with what I can only assume is a 500 pound dog from what I hear through my ceiling. When they first moved in the dog barked incessantly and howled whenever Brandi left. I rolled my eyes, but I was patient. Moving is hard on animals. I knew after a short adjustment period the dog would settled down. And it has. Now it only barks when someone comes into the building.

Though, it stills runs around the apartment above me, wrestling down chew toys, beating them into submission.

And that was fine, until last night.

Last night -- or more accurately, 3:30 this morning, Brandi came home with a guest and the dog, predictably, barked until she and her gentlemen friend made it to the second floor.

Fine. I get it. I lived with a dog. There is really no controlling their barking. And maybe I would have fallen right back asleep if they didn’t decided 3:30 in the morning was a good time to play catch with the dog.

Playing catch with a 500 pound dog in the room above my bedroom at 3:30 in the morning. Awesome.

When they got bored with that, the dog took whatever toy was being tossed around and chewed and beat it, just above my head, until he felt victorious -- about 15 minutes later.

Then the dog and the party were moved to another room where I got to listen to Brandi have sex.

Now, I know Brandi was not the first person to have sex in the apartment above me. The last tenant and her boyfriend moved out because she was pregnant and they needed more room. However, Brandi is the first person I heard. My point, well, if I wasn't already awake, I probably would have slept through it as she really wasn’t loud.

But instead I got to listen to that unmistakable, rhythmic squeaking of a bed being rocked back and forth. Up and down. Back and forth.

It was really difficult to get back to sleep after that as I started practicing my math skills, calculating how much time I had left before my alarm went off, how many times I could hit snooze before I had to get out of bed, just how long it has been since my bed springs squeaked like that.

When I did get up this morning, after a simultaneously relaxing and reviving cup of chai tea, I heard Brandi and the beast return from their morning walk. I wanted to step out into the hallway and have a talk with Brandi, but I thought better of it. Give her time, see if this was a one night thing or if she plans on partying like this every school night. I got the feeling that Brandi had enough regrets this morning.

It did sound like stranger sex, after all.