Tatiana Talks

Marry Him? No Thank You

I may have to come out of retirement as a reviewer of relationship guidance self-help books. Why, you ask? Because the crazy bitch that wrote “Marry Him” in the Atlantic Monthly a couple of years ago, was given a book deal.

Now, I had thought I wrote a blog about this when it first came out, but I just checked and found nothing. So I’m guessing it was a column which means I can’t link to it here. The basic gist of the article was (for those of you that don’t remember) that Lori (the crazy bitch’s real name) was a single mom in her 40s who has decided that she wasted her life looking for Mr. Right when really she should have just settled for Mr. Good Enough. That way she wouldn’t be all alone now, with no one to take out the trash for her.

And, for good measure, I just re-read the article to make sure that my memory didn’t make it worse with the passage of time (as it is wont to do from time to time).

It seems, however, her book is less a case for settling and more a case for prioritizing. At least that is how she made it sound on the Today Show the other day. She was talking to Meredith V. about how women are too picky and that they should focus on qualities in a man that would make a good mate.

Meredith, who is my new personal hero after this interview, demanded examples -- seriously, she did. Lori tried to avoid the question twice but Mere kept after her. Lori finally responded, “Well once (and I’m paraphrasing here) I met a guy name Sheldon and wouldn’t go out with him because that was his name. Then a couple months later I was like, Lori, you can’t count him out because his name is Sheldon.”

Suddenly things became so much clearer to me. Lori, you’re not picky. You’re crazy. Who doesn’t date someone because their name is Sheldon? Seriously? I know I have a list of rules, but I openly admit that I break them often. They really only exist so after it all goes terribly wrong I can say, “Well, I should have known better. I mean, he’s from Michigan.”

But even better than the realization that this woman was just plain crazy was Meredith’s follow up attack. “What would you say to women that say, well, you’re telling me to settle, but you’re not married.”

Lori: “Oh, but I’m closer than I have been.”

Mere: “Yeah, but you’re not.”

Lori: “But I’m close. And that is all I am going to say about that.”

Ahh, Lori, I think you were trying to imply that you expect Sheldon to pop the question any day now. But I’m sad to say I don’t think it is going to happen. Why? Well, later that same day, Hoda and Kathie Lee had a panel of men answering women’s questions about why men do what they do.

On this panel was my other future husband, Curtis Stone, and he said (or maybe one of the other panelist said it but I was only paying attention to him so I am just going to give him credit) that men do like to chase women (thus, women, you should play a little hard to get) but they also want to feel liked by the woman they are with and (now, pay attention Lori, because this is the part that pertains to you) that being with that woman means something special. That she wouldn’t be with just anyone (ahem). That by picking him, he must be special.

Now, Lori, how can Sheldon possibly feel special when you go on national TV and say you are settling for him?

Of course, maybe I'm just angry because Lori calls me a liar in the first few paragraphs of her article in the Atlantic Monthly. According to her, because I am in my 30s and single I must be worried about being alone the rest of my life. She goes on to add that any single woman in her 30s that denies being worried about this is lying, and should look in a mirror and say "I'm not worried about being alone the rest of my life," just to see just how ridiculous she looks.

Here’s the thing, Lori. I’m not lying. Seriously. I looked in the mirror and said it and everything. Now, maybe it’s because all the relationships I have been in haven’t been that great. Or maybe it is because I have more important things to worry about -- like my hair, and what I am going to serve at my LOST party next week that my non-vegan friends will enjoy, and what I will do if I fall on the ice this week and break my ankle, and my parent’s health, my sister (in general), how I’m going to pay rent next month -- it seems I just don’t have time to worry about something I can’t really do much about and that really doesn’t scare me as much as being homeless.

That and getting married doesn’t really guarantee me that I won’t be alone -- not with the divorce rates in this country. Furthermore, if I am not using any standards to pick my mate, how can I possibly know that I will do a good job picking a partner to run the nonprofit that is my family. What if I manage to pick a man that wants to sit around all day Sunday watching football while I cook and clean and rear our children. After all, I expect to be sitting around all day on Sunday watching football.

Which reminds me, I'm also worried about what the Eagles are going to do about their quarterback situation.