Tatiana Talks

Good Crush Hunting

Since high school I have been playing a game whenever I get a drink with a straw. Though, it’s not really a game. See, I carefully pull the straw from the wrapper, put the straw in my drink and then, while thinking about a guy I like, I tie the wrapper into a knot and pull on both ends. If there is no knot, than he is thinking about me too.

So, the other day I was at a diner, sitting in front of my diet soda, staring down at a straw wrapper that was almost tied. But I couldn’t pull the ends because my mind was totally blank. I could not think of a single guy that I was wondering if he was wondering about me.

Sure, I could have thought about Peyton or Stewart or Curtis, but since they don’t know me, they couldn’t possibly be thinking about me and thus a knot would surely appear. With a sigh, I put the twisted straw wrapper on the table and sipped my diet coke.

A girl without a crush is such a sad sorry sight. She no longer cares about calories consumed or the last time she shaved her legs. When my black bean burger arrived, I ate all the French fries. I couldn’t help myself.

Later, when I got home, I opened an e-mail from an online dating site I used many moons ago. The e-mail claimed they had new matches for me. I looked and it did seem like there was one guy with a little potential and so I clicked on the link. Unfortunately you have to create a profile before you can look at someone else’s. I posted the quickest profile possible, including two photos of myself, one with blonde hair one with long hair. I figured if any suitor asked I would explain to him that I now have long blonde hair so he will have to use his imagination. I wasn’t, under any circumstance, going to take a “MySpace” shot of myself. I don’t care what dating site experts say about those photos effectiveness. I think they look stupid.

So, my quickie profile was posted and I went back to Bachelor #1’s profile. He hasn’t been active for at least two weeks. Blast.

I closed out of the site and wished I had a pint of dairy-free ice cream.

The next day I got another email telling me that 67 men had viewed my profile and I had three new messages. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. What the heck, I thought. I need a new crush and I do know at least one couple that met online.

Man, was that a mistake.

Once I weeded through the guys without pictures and had headlines with the word “looking” in them -- for those of you that don’t know, that’s code for married or in a serious relationship. And the guys with the creepy, poorly lit webcam shots of themselves -- guys, seriously, nothing makes you look more like a serial kill than a webcam shot as your profile picture. I was left with a guy whose headline actually read something to the effect of, “Hunter Looking For A Trophy.”

Umm, excuse me, but aren’t “trophies” plaques of animal heads that hunters hang on the wall. I’m sorry, guys, I lied earlier. Nothing makes you look more like a serial killer than saying you are looking for the next head to hang on your wall. The webcam shot is the second creepiest thing you can do.

Thank goodness we are getting back on the water soon. If I can’t find a crush amongst rowers, than I really am in trouble.