Tatiana Talks

Stalking Stewart Bradley

I’m thinking about becoming a stalker. Hear me out.

You all know I have been really bored since finishing the novel. And once my synopsis is written it really will be nothing more than a waiting game. I can’t really do much because doing things costs money and so I have been trying to come up with something to do with all my free time.

So, I was sitting in the coffee shop, working on a release when I was alerted to a new Tweet. I Apple+tabbed over and lo and behold it was from Stewart Bradley asking which is better -- fruit flavored candy or chocolate. I’ll admit I was a bit disappointed as I returned to my release. I was hoping for more of a diversion than that. But then I started to think about answering him.

Now, because I have a touch of crazy in my family I really had to pause and think about this in ways most people wouldn’t. Most people would giggle (if they were a girl like me) and try to come up with something pithy or clever or sexy to say in response. Not me. I had to sit there and ask myself, “What would Bridie say?” And by “say” I don’t mean what would she say in response to Stewart, but what would she say to me when I told her this story.

Would she laugh? Would she ask me what the hell I was doing on Twitter? Would she tilt her head, grimace and ask, “Really?”

I shrugged my shoulder and decided she would probably ask, “Who is Stewart Bradley?” and decided it was okay to respond to him. For the record, my response was neither pithy or clever or sexy. Because as I responded a stroke of brilliance hit me.

I could start stalking Stewart Bradley.

I mean, how hard could it be? I start on Twitter -- responding every time he posts. Following everyone he follows and everyone that follows him. Then I could start hanging out in the “clubs” in Old City -- a friend told me that is where the Eagles' players like to hang out. Then, because I will probably have to move back to Allentown when my unemployment runs out (and I doubt stalking would pay the bills at first), I can hang out at the Lehigh practice field during training camp, wearing a number 55 bikini.

And here where the brilliant part comes in -- as I get better and better at stalking, you know once Stewart has blocked me on Twitter and filed for a restraining order against me, the world will be my oyster. I'll be offered my own reality show on E!, followed by a clothing line from a discount chain and then, finally, my very own book deal.

Sure it isn’t the most direct or obvious route to getting published, but I like to think outside the box. Besides, it is much more interesting than waiting by my mailbox for rejection letters.