Tatiana Talks

A New Theory is Born

A while back, after my sixth or seventh friend went crazy immediately following getting engaged, I began to wonder if there wasn’t some sort of physiological reaction your body has to putting a ring on that finger that causes this behavior. I understand that the reason for wearing a ring on this finger comes from the myth that a vein runs from this finger directly to the heart (any cardiologists out there want to confirm that this is in fact a myth?). Well, my theory is that the vein doesn’t travel to the heart, but the brain, and that restricting this vein (the way a big diamond ring might) can lead to craziness (so I guess it would have to lead to a particular section of the brain, so neurologists out there feel free to chime in as well).

And, since I can’t say my friends remained crazy, after a while your body must self regulate and that portion of your brain can return to normal functioning with less blood flow, much the same way you body will eventually return to normal functioning after you give up caffeine.

I’m also starting to wonder if prolonged restriction of this vein doesn’t affect men as well, most notably, the lack of blood flow to this section of their brain makes them insanely attracted to me.

I was at the FOP Survivor’s Benefit this past weekend with the Duchess and her new beau, JD. You know (or should) that I have a thing for cops, so I look forward to this event every year and was convinced that this was the year I would be officially inducted in the Secret Sisterhood of Badge Bunnies.

So there we were, the three of us, searching the crowd of young, hot cops for the perfect one for me (read: taller than me in my five inch wedges) when a gentleman with a lot of potential found me.

He was tall and bigger, which I prefer. He had a full head of hair and really nice teeth. Most importantly, he thought (or so he said) I was pretty. There was only one, little, tiny problem with the guy. He was wearing a wedding ring.

Now, this is not the first time a married man hit on me – do you really think I would formulate an entire theory based on one isolated incident? Most times, I typically nod, smile, participate in some banter (maybe) and then I politely take my leave. But maybe because I had more than my fair share of Miller Lites, or maybe because the novel I am working on at the moment’s heroine only sleeps with married men, I couldn’t let it pass. This time, after he told me how I am the prettiest girl he has ever seen, I smiled and said, “I wonder what your wife would say about that,” and pointed to his ring.

He replied that he’s not married.

I asked, “Engaged?”

He responded (and no, I'm not making this up, because let’s be honest, I couldn’t). “Yeah, but you’re going to change my mind.”

Umm, no I wasn’t.

After a couple more minutes of him telling me how pretty I was and how young I looked, the Duchess leaned over and said, “Do you want to talk to this guy?”

I shook my head and said, “he’s married.”

Then, while he was distracted, telling his buddy he just needed a couple of minutes, the Duchess switched spots with me and we both smiled up at him as his attention turned back to us.

He was disappointed and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to talk to him. I was through being coy and blurted out, “your engaged, dude.” (Yes, sometimes when I’m drinking, especially when I’m drinking Miller Lite, I use words like dude. Don’t judge me.) He lifted his hand so I could get a better look at the ring. It was made up of tiny little skulls. I looked back up at him.

“So, what is she goth?”

“I’m not engaged.” He exclaimed.

“Then why don’t you wear the ring on your other hand?”

“I can’t.”

And I couldn’t help it. “Why because your fiancé would get mad?”

JD then drew me and Felicia into a conversation and my gentleman suitor left, mumbling that I couldn’t possibly be more than 22 years old.

As JD and Felicia tried to figure out what just happened, and most notably if that guy was in fact my type, I wondered if I missed something. Maybe he didn’t have a ring finger on his right hand (I didn’t notice). Maybe he can’t wear a ring on that finger because it’s his trigger finger (though that would be weird). But in the end, JD confirmed that every guy knows what a ring on that finger means, and any guy looking to meet someone wouldn’t wear a ring on that hand. They would do what married men do and wear it on the other hand.

I plan on testing this theory in the coming weeks. No, I’m not going to go around only hitting on married men. Instead, I think I am going to go back to hot bartender and apply pressure to the base of his ring finger. See how long it takes him to want me.