Tatiana Talks

The Jason Statham Exception

Did I ever tell you how much I love a good action movie? Well, I do. I even love a really bad one.

So when Bridie suggested we could see a movie this past weekend, my eyes lit up. “Can we see the Expendables.”
Now, I expected her to say, “Absolutely not.” I didn’t expect her to then look the movie up online and say, “You know what? Sure.”

I could hardly contain myself. At the pool on Saturday it was pretty much all I could think about. So much so, that when we walked by two guys that were just hanging out and Bridie asked, “were either of them cute?” I had to quickly make up a lie to cover-up the fact that I didn’t even notice them. My mind was too occupied with the thought of seeing Sly and Bruce and the Governator and Jason all in the same movie.

Now, before you all start in on my about just how terrible and misogynistic these sort of movies are – believe me, I have heard it all before. And I simply don’t care. I love action movies. I love the explosions and the excessive violence and the way they snap people’s necks and break people’s backs and the impossibly convoluted plotlines and the improbable way that all the good guys come back to life in the end and yes, even the terrible acting. The terrible acting is what makes all those one liners so effin’ funny.

After all, would “I’ll be back,” be half as catchy if it were delivered by a good actor? I’ve never actually noticed but I bet that phrase is uttered in dozens of movies and t.v. shows by countless actors – yet we all associate it with Ah-nold.

Not to mention, I really don’t think the acting is all that bad. For instance, while watching him in Expendables, Jason Statham totally sold me as a badass by day, broken-hearted guy by night. I had no trouble believing that if he were my ex-boyfriend and I called him up because my current boyfriend hit me, he would pick me up on his motorcycle and we would go find the creep. And after putting a serious beat down on him and all is Adidas track pant wearing punk friends, he would say something clever – yet menacing – get back on his bike and we would ride off into the sunset.

I believed it so much that when Jason was telling his on-screen ex-girlfriend (the chick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that got migraines and could see the future) that she should have waited: that he was worth it, I felt like he was looking into my eyes and saying, “Tati, you shouldn’t have a stupid rule about dating guys under six feet tall. I understand it means giving up all your favorite heels, but believe me, I’m worth it.”

You know what, Jason? I agree. You are totally worth it. For you I will date someone that is 5’11”.

So long as that someone is either you or also a mercenary with a really cute British accent.