Tatiana Talks

Ten Really Stupid Reasons to Get Married

So, this weekend, while avoiding talking to the creepy guy sitting next to me when I was waiting for take-out, I stumbled across this gem.

Now, I have a lot to say about the single versus married woman (so be prepared as the next couple of posts will be dedicated to it). Mostly, I don’t understand why we are battling, but that is beside the point of this post. This post is to point out that while there may be 10 legitimate reasons out there for single women to get married these aren’t it.

1. Prevents you from dying alone. And now, on this the 16th day of July in the year 2012, I declare this cliché beaten down and dead. First, I have a family and a lot of friends. I am pretty sure when the time comes for me to bite it, they will be by my side. Second, getting married doesn’t guarantee me that my partner won’t divorce me before I die, thus won’t be contractually obligated to hold my hand as I cross over. Third, as my brilliant friend Alexandra pointed out on Twitter, on average women outlive men. So even if I get married, and we stay together, chances are he is going to kick the bucket before I do.

2. Brings you more sex. I can’t really speak to this one, but I am sure there are better single women out there than me having a lot of sex. Even more than their married counterparts.

3. As a married woman, you won't need to work as much as before. I’m not sure I even know what this means. How would getting married mean I have to work less? Sure, some of my bills would be halved, but I don’t think I would drop down to part time. Not to mention this doesn’t speak to that fact that most married women find themselves doing twice as much housework as they did when they were single. So really, even if I was working less, I would probably doing twice the number of dishes.

4. Married people are happier. Says who? I was at the pool with Bridie and Pepper a couple of weeks ago and Pepper told me the happiest she had ever been was when she was single. If you don’t believe Pepper, believe the folks that responded to this Washington Post survey.

But more than anything, if you are happy – you will be happy single or married. If you aren’t happy, then marrying someone isn’t going to fix that.

5. You always have a +1. Because there is nothing worse in this world than going to an event alone. Well, except maybe cancer.

6. Nothing cures a hangover like an orgasm. And everyone knows single women never orgasm. Oh wait, that’s not true.
7. Married women don't have to worry about being called cat lady. Really? This is a reason to get married? So people won’t call you cat lady? How about you just don’t get a cat. Or do what I did and develop an irrational fear of felines.

8. Romantic songs don't make you cry anymore. I am not a big crier. When I should cry and I don't, I joke that I had my tear ducts removed. But at certain times during the month, even a song as innocuous as Taylor Swift’s ditty about Romeo and Juliet will choke me up. This song has absolutely no sentimental value to me whatsoever. I actually think it's pretty dumb. Still, when my hormones are all out of whack, I blink back tears when it comes on. I don’t know how someone putting a ring on it will stop this from happening but if this is true, then this would be the only reason on this list that would have me considering that long walk down the aisle.

9. You have someone to kiss every morning. That is unless of course you get a divorce. Or he gets up and goes to work before you. Or you work nights and he works days. Or you guys get into a huge fight – though I suppose you would still have someone to kiss in the morning, you would just rather kick him instead.

10. You have someone to come home to every evening. On a very weak list of reasons, this is probably the worst. Yes, we are social creatures, but I know for a fact that there are nights when my married friends (and my friends that are living in sin) want nothing more than a few hours to themselves, alone in their apartments. I have had friends turn down plans because their significant others were going to be away and this opportunity to lay on the couch watching Keeping up with the Kardashians without any judgment or having to explain who everyone is and why they all spell their names with K’s was just too good to pass up. So telling me that I will always be able to come home to someone sounds more like a deterrent than anything. Not to mention it is just false. Your significant other won’t be home every evening. And really, thank god for that.