Tatiana Talks

Let’s Party

I bet you thought I forgot all about you kids out there suffering through your break-ups. Well, I didn’t. But as I explained earlier, this is a process, a cycle, and I wanted to give you lots of time to go back and forth between disgusting and cleansing before I prepared you for the next phase.

That and I’ve been really busy. I mean, I did run a marathon and all.

And now that I am no longer training (who are we kidding? I barely trained) and you are through cycling – let’s party.
The celebration stage is crucial – not just because if you continue to drink alone people are going to start to suggest you have a problem – but because it is time for you to be happy . Why are you still wallowing in this break-up? Why are you still eating whole packages of Oreo Double Stuffs and crying because your ex didn’t want to be with you? Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you? Who didn’t recognize just how amazing you are and how freakishly lucky he was to land you? Seriously?

He did you a favor. He clearly wasn’t who you thought he was and thank goodness he didn’t waste another day of your life. You should be thanking him. But since that would mean reaching out to him and believe me, we aren’t there yet, let’s get gussied up, call our friends, and celebrate that you are no longer wasting your life with that loser.

Can’t buy any of that? Okay, well, then how about this? Imagine how pissed/shocked/upset/regretful he is going to feel when he finds out (either through the grapevine or by stalking your Facebook page) that you are over him and already back out there – having fun and looking amazing?

That’s my girl.

Also, and believe me I know this from experience, you aren’t ever going to get laid home alone, sitting on your couch, drinking wine straight from the box. A necessary part of the healing process is getting some strange. Even if it is just a hot and heavy make-out session in a dark alleyway with a  little under the shirt action, feeling sexy and desired by the opposite (or same – no judgment) sex goes a long way.

A word of warning here, however. As you are well aware, you are still emotionally raw right now. Couple that with the oxytocin your body is going to produce after a few minutes in that dark alley and you may start thinking you have found the one. Spoiler alert: He’s not the one. He’s not perfect or the man you have been waiting your whole life for. Hell, it is very likely you won’t even remember his name in a couple of months. He's a means to an end. He can't even count as a transitional person because he isn't going to be around that long. 

The celebration phase is not the time to find your next boyfriend.

It is the time to remember just how amazing you are (with or without a guy) and to celebrate all you have to offer.

So what are you waiting for?    

How To Be Dumped: Part One: Grossness

I'm not sure if it was the monster moon this past weekend,or the upcoming holidays, but a number of my friends have recently found themselves single again. And while I believe I clearly demonstrate on this blog that I am terrible when it comes to relationships, my friends are still coming to me for advice.

Maybe they don’t read the blog.

The last time I was dumped, I offered a very simplified road map to how I get over a guy. My plan – like another plan that you may have heard of – has five stages/steps: Grossness, Cleansing, Celebrating, Recovering, and then, finally, Moving on. Though, I only really talk about the first four in my old post.

The first stage, in my opinion, is the most important. The gross stage.

This means different things for different people, but basically is boils down to this is the time you get to be a self-indulgent brat. If you want to drink and smoke while wrapped in an afghan your nana knit you watching marathons of “Say Yes to the Dress,” do it. If you want to eat your way through the entire Ben and Jerry’s catalog, I'll get you a spoon and elastic waistband pants. If you need to go out and purchase one of everything in your size, I will only warn you to keep the tags on as there is a good chance you will want to return some of it at a point in the near future. If you want to do all of the above while crying and screaming “what is wrong with me?” I’m not gonna say no.

Why? Because you are hurt. Being dumped sucks and you have all sorts of questions and doubts and you can’t text or call (or rather you shouldn’t text or call) your ex and demand answers, and you can only hear from your friends so many times that he’s an idiot. So you need to self-soothe. You have all these emotions and feelings and you need to get them out. So why not get the majority of them out all at once. No, you won’t get rid of them all, but a couple of days not showering, eating nothing but chocolate covered carbs, and watching Lifetime television for women (or Spike TV is Jason Statham running around killing people is more your speed) should deplete you of most of your self-loathing.

Think of it this way – remember that episode of Who’s the Boss (or was it Roseann? Growing Pains? Some sitcom I watched growing up) where Sam was caught with cigarettes and Tony Danza made her smoke the whole pack and she got sick and never smoked again. That is what this period is – doing something that is really bad for you until you make yourself sick – when you look in the mirror and see a bloated, gray, oily version of yourself staring back.

It will be like the kick in Inception. It will snap you right back to reality. Then, after possibly throwing up, you will ask yourself what the hell you are doing. You will scream at yourself for letting it get this bad and then remind yourself no guy is worth this, you are better than this, and it is his loss – you know, all the stuff you already knew but needed to go a very dark place to remember.

Then you take the longest, hottest shower of your life, maybe pop out for a pedicure and prepare yourself for stage two – Cleansing.

The second most important thing to remember about this phase is that is just a phase: give yourself a time limit in the bell jar. You don’t want to get stuck here. For many reasons, the most obvious being your friends will only indulge you for so long.

The first most important thing to remember about this phase is that now is not the time to do anything permanent. Save any tattoos, surgeries, or resignation letters for stages four and five.